I Want Candy

I need to preface this by saying that, for almost a year now, I’ve been maintaining a relatively staunch paleo diet.   My breakfast is either a bowl of blueberries with almond milk or 4 scrambled eggs.
Lunch alternates between a salad with carrots and chicken, or a grilled chicken breast with two sides of tabouli.  (Yes, I know there’s bulgur wheat in tabouli and therefore it isn’t paleo, but I think the rest of the healthy ingredients more than make up for it.)
Dinners can get sketchy, as I do my best to ensure Jen doesn’t have to suffer from her husband’s dietary restrictions.  For example if we’re making tacos, I’ll have a plate of seasoned beef with salsa.  Likewise when we’re having fajitas.  I’ll also bake chicken Parmesan, but skip the breading and use organic mozzarella.  (And make just enough pasta for Jen.)  Spicy Italian sausage with salad, butterflied pork chops with butter-baked squash, chopped beef steaks with a salad dressing dip, etc. etc.

The point is, for most of the year, I do pretty well in following my doctor’s paleo prescription and I don’t feel like an ascetic.

But then, Halloween hits…and I go from zero-to-sucrose monster in one grocery trip, flat.

It all starts with those Completely-Lose-Track-of-How-Many-You’ve-EatenFun-Sized” Snickers, Nestle Crunch, and Reese’s PB cups.

They put real diabetes in these, so you know they’re good.

We go through something like 4 giant bags of those damn things before the kids ever show up for their handouts.
And there are always leftovers, which we say we’re going to take to our respective places of employment…and somehow never do.

Thanksgiving arrives shortly thereafter and, surprisingly, brings with it a brief respite.  I’m actually pretty good on the T’day.  I might stray into a pile of mashed potatoes or two, but I never touch the desserts and, for the most part, somehow maintain my paleosity.

But then…December.

December brings with it the most evil choccies of all.  The ones that beckon with a siren’s call from the bins of HEB, and I am powerless to stay away. I’m talking about none other than,

christmasmmsThis is what heroin looks like.

I do not want M&Ms at any other time of year. (And the thought of eating those pastel ones they sell for Easter is nauseating.)  But for some reason, the combination of red and green ones forces me into gobbling handful after handful of them with wild glycosidic abandon.  At our apex, we’ve gone through three 1 lb. bags in one week.  An unseemly amount of chocolate.

After Christmas, though, things settle down a bit and we purge what’s left of the candy from the house.

Unfortunately, we’ve now cycled all the way ’round to the very first holiday candy NEED of the year.  Namely, these:

I don’t care much for jellybeans, nor do I like Starburst.  But if you combine the two, and make them “sour?” I will funnel them into my mouth until my veins pump pure corn syrup.  I’d resisted the temptation for about a week or so, but broke down and purchased our first three bags last Tuesday.  All of them were empty by Friday.
So I picked up two more at the grocery on Sunday.  Ate the last handful last night.

Fortunately, once I get through the next 4 weeks I’ll regain my sanity and go back to being sugar-free until October.  At which point I’m likely to wax Gloop all over again.


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