BabyFirst to Worst

So for the majority of the day, our television is locked in on the BabyFirst channel.

Babyfirst-logoThis is what has become of my state-of-the-art entertainment system.

Not only has Daphne seen so many of these that she’s developed a preference for certain shows, Jen has logged so many hours in front of BabyFirst that she has her favorites as well.

As such, I thought I’d do a quick rundown of “The Best and Worst of BabyFirst” in the Shaw household.




Tec the Tractor

So this one isn’t entirely awful.   It highlights what life is like on a farm, has some strikingly beautiful Welsh scenery, and has a pretty high production value.  (It couldn’t have been cheap to create a tiny anthropomorphic/animatronic tractor.)

The problem is, it’s just…weird.

The entire show is done in a voice-over, presumably because the farmers depicted are speaking Welsh, so it’s hard to discern what’s dialogue and what is narrative.   And the facial tics on Tec move a bit too fast to be natural.  So rather than a plodding and staunch tractor-esque personality, he instead appears jittery and anxious.

teccokeduptractorAnd clearly has a bit of a cocaine problem.

Shushybye Baby

This is what happens when you give a hippie their own children’s show.  The characters are all straight out of the 1960’s, the scenarios are always the same and have no conflict whatsoever, and the writers have hit the bong one too many times and are now incapable of following a train of thought to any conclusion at all.

Although it does seem like there’s a complicated mythos happening in the Shushybyes.  From what I can gather, they create wondrous dreams for children, put them in wondrous dream boxes, and ship them by wondrous rail to all the wondrous sleeping children of the wondrous world.  And it is wondrous.  After which they have some kind of early morning rave in the park.  This too is wondrous.

shushybyecastAnd every one of them has a wondrous FUPA for some reason.

Sukey’s Circle

I find this one to be ridiculous and harmless, but Jen really, REALLY dislikes Sukey Malloy.  I believe the words, “no-talent, dance major wannabe” have been uttered.  Basically the lady wiggles around for 3 minutes in pseudo-interpretive dance…  One that has just enough complexity that toddlers can understand it.

sookycirclebubblesLike this one, which plainly conveys,”bubbles are terrifying and want to kill you.  Karate chop them to escape.

Friendly Jack

First and foremost, this one involves a goddamn mime.  Mimes make me want to commit a hate crime.

And second, this is hilariously close to “Simple Jack.”  Enough to where I can’t help the “m-m-m-m-m-makes me happy…” comments.




Ookii’s World

A T-Rex that solves problems in creative ways?  Sign me up.  In the last episode we watched, Ookii tried to turn a pissed off caterpillar into a butterfly by putting it on his head and jumping around.  That’s outside the box thinking if I’ve ever seen it.

ookiisworldcaterpillar“FLY, DAMN YOU!  FLY!”

It also helps that Ookii looks a bit like Pac-Man.


Hide & Seek

This is one of Daphne’s favorites.  The premise is that a couple squirrels hide an acorn and then go looki-



Color Crew

So this one is entertaining, if only because it’s fun to discern the personalities of each color of crayon.  The yellow one, for example, seems quite earnest.  The purple one, nefarious.  And the green one is a former NFL linebacker.

Concussions are bad, kids.  Emu bamboo firetruck!

Then there’s Mr. Eraser, whose entrance to every scene is set to ominous music and who clearly represents the cold hand of death itself, as he sets about removing any trace of the crayons’ mistake-ridden existence.


Dance Time Boys

Again, I don’t grasp the allure of this one.  Honestly I’m not sure if Daphne does either.  But it is, hands down, Jen’s favorite of the lot.  Mostly because she thinks PB and Jam (the two eponymous Dance Time Boys), are adorable.

dancetimeboyslogogThe Mario & Luigi of BabyFirst.

So there you have it.  The rest of the shows are pretty innocuous and haven’t stood out.

Which is probably a good thing.


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