Stretch Marked

I have a terrible secret to unveil…

So, Jib has this thing about chewing rivets/buttons/zippers off my clothes.

And I mistakenly left my laundry on the bed while I went to work last week, with the intent of folding and putting it away upon my return home.

You see where this is going…

My dog chewed the buttons and zippers off of three pairs of Calvin Klein/Ralph Lauren jeans, leaving me with only the pair I had on.

“Jib doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Jib’s been napping the whole time.”

And so, during my lunch break the following day, I went to the nearby mall to find some inexpensive jeans.

I went to Macy’s first (it’s still me we’re talking about here, people…) and noticed they had Levi’s on sale for $36 a pop. I sigh, remind myself that I’m a father now and there are More Important Things® to pay for these days.  So I grab various pairs blazoned with proprietary 5## integers (that tell you absolutely nothing about how they fit) off the towering racks o’ denim and went to the dressing room to try them on.

I went through a few, and then pulled on one pair that was particularly comfortable.

“Hmm.” I thought. “These aren’t bad at all. What are they?”

I twist around to look at the tag that’s now on my rear and can just make out “559 Relaxed.”

Yep. These’ll do, pig.

So I go back out and hurriedly grab two more pairs in the same size (but from varying dye lots), check out, and then rush back to the office.

You can imagine my shock at home that evening when I pulled them out of the bag and saw the rest of the tag.

559 Relaxed Straight Stretch

I bought stretch jeans.


I’m that guy.

I should probably just set fire to the fashion degree on my wall right now.



These things?

They’re really comfortable.

**hides face in shame**

Thankfully, neither my wife nor Daphne seem to mind.


Leave a Reply