Do the Dougie

The campaign of hostilities against the marauding horde of ants that have taken up residence outside my house is well-documented.

And if they would just stay outside my house, then we’d have ourselves a détante.

Alas, they are insistent upon staging nightly raids into my bathroom to either run random circles on the vanity, or carry back tiny bits of priceless toothpaste spackle that I somehow missed when rinsing the sink.

formiankidsdrawingPortrait commissioned by Thomas Kinkade, “Master of Light”

I have responded in kind with brute force (smashing rows of them with toilet paper) and with chemical warfare (saturating their entry/exit choke points with Raid).

But these are but temporary solutions; the bastards always retreat to their caves and regroup, forming all new terrorist cells.

moreantdrawingsterroristVia Banksy.


Strangely, I noticed that they had completely stopped coming through the back door area though.  Which is surprising given that we have a toddler in the house, and there’s a definite splash zone when she’s eating her meals.  (Try as you like, you’re never going to get every individual grain of rice up.)

And this week, I realized why.

A new biological weapon has entered the fray!  One who is nigh-altruistically assisting us in our crusade against the evil tunnel-dwelling regime.  A veritable hessian.  An ant-killing machine that requires only that we shelter it from its natural predators (birds), during the daylight hours.

Say hello to…

Michael Douglas.


Mike, pictured there, makes his way outside at around sunset, and then sneaks back in when I open the door for the dogs every morning.  And I believe he is responsible for single-handedly stemming the flow of invading hymenoptera from that attack point.

Now, for those of you wondering why I don’t employ some professional help in the matter (meaning an exterminator; not a psychiatrist), you should know that I DO already pay a pest control service to come out every month.  (Bulwark is their name.)  And today will mark the second time that I’ve told them about this ant issue.

This is going to be their last chance to help fix it before I find someone else.

Or nuke my house from orbit.


Leave a Reply